I will never forget the day that I walked into the pregnancy center. I was under a conviction that I should start giving back. Everything was pointing to my past and the place to serve was where girls like me would be able to get help. It quickly became clear that the coaxing of the Holy Spirit was a call to healing. While I had been baptized and was pursuing God through community and Bible Study, I was in no shape to minister to anyone. Healing would be necessary for me to come into a more stable emotional state and give me the freedom to serve with love rather than of out of my wounding.
When I walked into the office, I was greeted by the woman who would become my mentor. I told her about the crisis pregnancy that I had experienced and that I believed that God was asking me to serve in a place that met up with my story. As she listened intently, it was clear that my serving wouldn’t be a possibility. While I talked, the condition of my heart was revealed. I might have been saved but I wasn’t free. The pregnancy center director kindly and lovingly pointed to me to her counselor friend at another location. It was during this conversation that I caught a glimpse of what healing could bring.
I am still confounded at my reaction to her recommendation. The thoughts in my head and the voices of the few people in my life all agreed that there was something wrong with me. I made a few unsuccessful attempts at getting counseling and tried to pursue healing through spiritual methods. None of it worked, in fact, they were more damaging than helpful. I would end up in deeper emotional distress and spiritual heaviness. I thought I had been there, done that. But, somehow this woman talked to me in a compassionate tone that said, “I see you and we will get you some help”.
It took a few months, but I ended up in a counselor’s chair; getting the help I needed. While I was being counseled for a crisis pregnancy, my new found mentor guided me into Godly living. I was finding freedom from my past and working with Jesus to save my broken marriage. It wasn’t an easy time. With eyes wide open, God revealed the motivations of my heart and how I had come to a breaking point in my life. I could see that I was living out the fruit of my bad choices. “It’s all my fault” played on repeat in my thoughts. Thank God I had people guiding me, because with all the condemnation I was experiencing, I wouldn’t have made it very far in faith on my own.
When it came time to work through the choices I made during my pregnancy, there were several things that I needed to come to peace about. First, I had to work through a lot of self blame. It wasn’t all me that caused the relationship with the father to fail. We both played a part, we both chose to have sex, we both chose not to pursue a relationship. We could have treated each other better. We often try to pick winners and losers in these situations, there wasn’t one. I had to take responsibility for my piece of the outcome and I had to forgive the father for his piece of the outcome. Second, yes, I did think about having an abortion. That is not how the story played out. Condemning myself for thinking about something that didn’t happen was keeping me from receiving forgiveness from God. My baby is alive. We both made it through a difficult situation. My interest in getting help is the story. My choice to place my child for adoption is what happened. A lot of the voices that I heard in my head said that I copped out, I was weak, and I could have parented. I also heard a voice that said, “why didn’t you want your own baby?” When I chose to see adoption from God’s perspective, my choice to place was selfless and a blessing to a family who wanted a child. This is not a point of pride but a space where I can live free of the condemning voices that claimed I made a grave mistake. I chose life for my baby and a family to parent that had stability to provide for an infant. Today, I live without guilt and regret. It is a beautiful story when you can see the results from the light rather than the darkness. Seven years after I went through counseling and three and a half years after making a video testimony, I am walking free of the condemnation I felt about my crisis pregnancy.
While I was making peace with the pregnancy, I also had to understand that the problem wasn’t the pregnancy; it was what I participated in to get me pregnant. We often view pregnancy as the issue that gets us in trouble. Sex is what causes the trouble. The results of having sex before we are married doesn’t always end in a crisis pregnancy but is often met with a similar emotional outcome. Having multiple sex partners can cause an indescribable dissatisfaction later in life. Deep dissatisfaction was destroying my marriage. Both my past experiences and my husband’s past experiences were brought into our marriage bed. We both gave in to the “sex means love” and “sex feels good so let’s do it” mentality. Purity matters, not in that we say no to sex and yes to virginity. We say yes to purity to preserve contentment in the present. We were meant to be like penguins who bond forever, not predators. I have learned that the results of five minutes of fleeting fun can damage a person for a lifetime; not just one person but many. Counseling helped me see sex from a different perspective. I was able to break free of the bonds that I had made through sexual experiences, now I am better able to enjoy my present with my husband.
There is healing for anyone that would put their faith in Jesus and make him Lord of their life. If God can forgive me and turn my life around, He can and will do it for anyone. No, it doesn’t require you to write a blog or do a video and admit your sin publicly. It only requires a heart to be changed and to see that God can turn all things around for your good. I write this blog not because I want to share how horrible I was or expose myself as a name that I am no longer called. I am sharing how I arrived at finding the reality of who I am in Christ. Writing my story for my blog is also a symbolic taking back of my story. After the video was released, I came under a deep spiritual oppression. It was a very dark time for me and I blamed the video. However, I can see the light it sheds on the issue of crisis pregnancy and it displays the healing power of Jesus. The video accomplished the goals it set out to meet. I want as many people to benefit from my story as possible, to know that they are not alone and that there is life after a crisis pregnancy. My greater hope, however, is for people to know their identity in Christ and understand what that means. There is freedom and new life for all believer’s in Christ. And if you haven’t given your life to Jesus, I promise, He promises, that if you believe in Him, you also can have freedom and new life.